Stop harm first. Describe the shared problem without picking a “difficult” child, then help agree on a workable next step.
Two hands reach for one toy. Each child insists it was theirs first. You hear yourself preparing to deliver a verdict—and neither child seems ready to listen.
Before deciding who is right, make the situation safe and describe what you can see: “You both want the truck.” A neutral starting point leaves room to understand the problem without assigning one child the role of troublemaker.
Step in when someone may get hurt Block hitting or grabbing that risks injury, and create space if needed. Don’t ask children to negotiate while one is frightened or being hurt. “I won’t let you hit” is clearer than a long speech in the middle of a struggle.
For ongoing aggression, fear, or a large power imbalance, seek individual guidance. Ordinary disagreements and repeated harmful behavior need different responses.
Hear the problem in small pieces When both children can talk, give each a turn to describe what happened. You can reflect the key point: “You were still building. You wanted a turn driving.” Avoid comparisons such as “Your sister always shares.”
The AAP’s discussion of sibling rivalry offers more guidance on handling conflict and supporting stronger relationships. Sharing straight away won’t always be the answer; first, work out what each child needs.
Help choose a fair next step Depending on age and context, options might include waiting for a clearly defined turn, choosing another toy, or playing together if both children want to. Personal belongings can have different rules from shared family toys.
You could ask, “How will we know when this turn is finished?” A timer may help some families; finishing one small part of a game may suit others. An adult may need to guide and support the plan for younger children.
Repair after the heat has passed Later, invite a useful action: returning an item, checking whether someone is okay, or rebuilding something that was knocked down. Avoid making a forced hug the price of moving on.
Notice cooperation when it happens naturally. “You made room for another road” points to a real action. The aim is practice with boundaries and shared problems—not children who never disagree.
Further reading
AAP: Sibling Rivalry—Expert Tips
Adapt these ideas to your family. For concerns about your child’s health or development, talk with a qualified professional who knows them.
Daniel Brooks
Play, connection & family life
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